Monday, March 21, 2016

My battle with depression...

It's hard to say when the depression started... I just know now that I am. 

I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle with myself. I have no motivation. It's hard sometimes just to get out of bed in the mornings. In the back of my mind I know that there are things that I could be doing, and some that I should be doing. Yet, I can't seem to find the motivation. I'm tired all the time and my weight is steadily increasing. I constantly feel like crying and it has become increasingly harder to hide it. 

Yes... I hide it.

It's one thing to just have to deal with normal every day stress, but add in two chronic illnesses that leave me fatigued, tired, anxious and foggy brained and it gets worse. Have you ever been so tired you feel as though you can't stand anymore and when you lay down, you can't fall asleep? I have, almost every night. The medications they've given me to help me sleep don't seem to help. I struggle with going to the doctor for fear that they will tell me that yet another part of my body is failing me.

I also have three amazing children. I can say that because I'm biased. Others might look at them and wonder where I failed. Sometimes I think I have with at least two of them. My oldest is 18, living in another state, and expecting her first child. She seems happy and is well educated and up to date on current events with the elections coming up and tracks politics like a boss... My other two? My middle child, a 16 year old girl struggles daily with being bipolar and the battle with managing her out of control emotions, weight issues (she's a comfort eater and hides food), and social issues... All of which I struggle with for her as well. How can I not? I'm her mom, and I love her. My 12 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ODD which was added onto the ADHD diagnosis he already had, and will be seeing a specialist soon to be evaluated for Autism Spectrum. He recently spent two weeks in a psychiatric facility, and it broke my heart.

I went back to college a year ago with this amazing excitement to learn and further my education. To earn that degree that I left behind years ago. I was making perfect grades with nothing below an A for a while... Now I'm failing. The textbooks can't hold my attention for more than a few minutes and I struggle with the assignments. I'm contemplating quitting before I get any farther in over my head.

I don't share this for pity, nor do I do it to explain my absence in the crafty world I have always loved (I still do). 

I share this to bring awareness to the fact that everyone struggles with something and to challenge anyone who reads this to do the same...

Share your story, be it happy or sad, and give yourself the opportunity to be built up instead of torn down.